Good Relationship, Bad Sex: How To Improve Things

No matter how amazing you think your relationship is with your partner, nothing is perfect. You are sure to hit a few rough patches now and again. Of course, this doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It just requires you to communicate your feelings and work through any problems that arise with your other half. One rut that is common in healthy relationships is in regards to sex. It is very easy for everything else to be going great but your sex life is failing. A good relationship with bad sex happens more than you might think.

Sex is important in a relationship, but it is not something you should get hung up on unless it is really that bad. Once the honeymoon period ends you will have a good idea of your partner’s sex drive. It is rare to find someone who matches your own libido, whether you need it daily or once a week, but when neither of you is being fulfilled it might be time to address the issue. Letting it linger can impact the good in your relationship.

But bad sex doesn’t just happen when you are going through some ups and downs in your relationship. It could be that your sex life has always failed to meet your expectations, even though your relationship is as good as it has ever been. While it might not seem like a big deal, to begin with, bad sex can slowly erode a relationship and turn things sour.

What Is Bad Sex?

This is an extremely objective phrase. Bad sex means something different to each individual. Similar to vanilla sex, there are many things you think might constitute bad sex that your partner doesn’t. When it comes to getting down and dirty, as long as you are both enjoying it, everyone wins. The problem comes when one of you is left unfulfilled. You might not think it is a big deal if you are getting your rocks off, but if your lady feels like the sex is bad, this will soon impact other areas of your relationship.

There are many different reasons why the sex might have turned sour, despite everything else being great. A survey showed that nearly 30% of couples’ sex life went downhill after their first child’s birth. One of you might be working late all the time and never in the mood. Or maybe your sex life has become too much of a routine where you go through the motions. All of these are reasons why the sex might be bad, but they can be avoided.

Signs To Look Out For

When the sex is bad there will be a number of signs you can pick up that indicate you or your partner are not enjoying yourselves. Some of these are quite subtle while others you can pick up easily. If you or your partner are exhibiting any of these then you might need to have a chat about things:

• You can’t wait for it to finish
• You don’t feel anything at all. Maybe boredom, but no emotional connection
• You find yourself talking about everyday things during sex
• You start falling asleep
• You find you aren’t attracted to them
• You prefer masturbating over sex

What You Can Do

But not all is lost. While these signs are indicative of a problem in your sex life, they can be fixed if you work things through with your partner. Here are a number of tips and suggestions you can follow to reignite the passion in your sex life.

1. Figure Out the Problem

First things first, you need to figure out why the sex is bad. Maybe you and your partner have different libidos. You are like a high school kid always ready to jump in the sack while she prefers once a week after the kids go to bed. Or it could be that you want to try something new and she isn’t keen. The problem could also lie with you. Struggling to stay erect or find yourself finishing sooner rather than later?

These are just some of the many reasons the sex isn’t living up to expectations. Most of these issues can be fixed by chatting to your partner and finding solutions.

2. Tell Your Partner How You Feel

Nobody can read your mind, so if you don’t tell her what you are thinking, she won’t ask. Men find it hard to talk at the best of times, but when it comes to sex it can be an even trickier interaction. If the sex isn’t doing it for you then you have to let your partner know.

The main thing is you bring up how you feel in a manner that won’t offend your partner. You need to reassure her that you love her and the sex, but you would like to change a few things or try something different. There is more chance she will listen if you talk to her in a calm and supportive way rather than telling blaming her for the bad sex.

You should be comfortable talking to your partner about sex and not have to worry about upsetting them. This also extends to other areas of your relationship. If you both feel respected and secure then bringing up any issues you have in the bedroom should be like having a normal conversation.

3. Come Up With an Always, Sometimes, and Never List

One of the best ways to work through your problems is by coming up with an Always, Sometimes, and Never (ASN) list. What this entails is writing down the things you are always keen on doing in the bedroom, the sex acts you are up for sometimes, and the things you never want to try.

This will give you both a good overview of your sex life and who likes what. It can help you identify sexual acts you both like or dislike. Your girlfriend might be a big fan of cunnilingus, both giving and receiving, while you only like it when it is being done to you. You can talk about why she enjoys it and why you don’t and come up with a comprise so she can be as sexually fulfilled as you.

A 2016 online research survey taken by 1,200 men and women aged 18-25 found that both had very different sexual expectations. Writing an ASN list is a great way to start the conversation about life in the bedroom and get the ball moving towards better sex.

4. Compromise Is Key

An ASN list will reveal a lot about you and your partner’s sexual preferences, but that doesn’t mean she now needs to fulfill all your sexual desires. The point of the list is to show the things you enjoy and wouldn’t mind trying so you can both be on the same page.

You may have had a previous partner who liked anal and would love to try with your current girlfriend. She might have no interest in having sex this way but is willing to let you stick a finger up there. That is a fair compromise. Or maybe she will let you try anal as long as she can try on you. In our books that sounds like a very fair compromise.

As with anything in a relationship, you are not always going to get what you want. A relationship is a partnership and you both have to be able to compromise on things, particularly in the bedroom. As long as you are clear and concise with expressing your wants and desires there should be no problem.

5. Focus on the Positives

Get rid of some of the negativity that could be brought up by discussing the bad aspects of your sex life by focusing on the good things. Unless you can’t stand having sex with your partner, there are surely some good things going on when you get between the sheets. Be sure to focus on these, especially when in the bedroom.

If your partner is doing something you really enjoy, let her know. Encourage her to keep going. This will fill her with confidence and make her feel good. Likewise, if she tells you to switch something up or gives you a couple of pointers, take them on board. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are bad at sex, just that what you are doing doesn’t work for her.

6. Use “I” Not “You”

Whether you are in the middle of sex or talking about how you can improve your sex life, be sure to use “I” instead of “You.” This takes the focus off your partner and puts it squarely on you. Say things like, “I love it when you touch me there,” or “can we change positions as I like doing it this way better than that way?”

This is a simple mindset change that will pay dividends. It won’t necessarily solve any major problems you have, but it will make your partner feel like they are still doing a good job and you are enjoying the sex.

7. Realize Porn Isn’t What a Healthy Sex Life Looks Like

Many of us get part of our sexual education from pornography. These days it is everywhere and with the click of a button, you can be watching porno on your phone. While this might sound great, it can cause issues in people’s sex lives. Growing up with porn informs our beliefs on what sex should be like. If you start watching more extreme porn and begin to think that’s what sex should be like, it will have an impact on your relationships.

“People often compare their sex lives to what they see on TV, movies, porn, or to what their friends claim to have,” expalined Eliza Boquin, a relationship and sexuality expert, to Fatherly. “Way too often, people are misled into believing that everyone except them is having great sex.”

You might think the sex is bad because your partner doesn’t want you slapping her face or choking her. Now if that is your kink, that is totally fine, but there are many who only think that is what they should be doing when having sex because they saw it in a porno.  Just remember not to compare your sex life with anyone or anything else.

8. Get Physical Outside of the Bedroom

If the intimacy is lacking in the bedroom, make it a bigger focus during your day-to-day life. Give your partner a long kiss in the morning or before you go to work. Send her random messages telling her how beautiful and grateful you are she is in your life. Hug and hold her hand when hanging out. These small gestures will let her know you appreciate her and could translate to a better sex life.

“There are many ways to connect sexually and intimately,” sex therapist Tanya Koens explained to the ABC. “Also, take the focus off performance and what is not possible. Rather, look at what is pleasurable and what is possible—it’s bound to get you to places that are fun.”

Make your partner feel happy and focus on the positives during sex, things are bound to improve.

9. Take a Sex Class

If you are looking to spice things up why not attend a sex class? A couple’s sex class is a great way for you to learn more about sex positions, sex toys, and general sex-related topics in a safe and fun environment. The teachers are usually always professionally trained and can help work through some of your problems or show you how to get better acquainted with each other in the bedroom.

10. Plan a Dirty Night Away

If you have been in a longer-term relationship it is only natural that there will be times when sex isn’t a priority. Throw in the stresses of work with a couple of kids and finding the time to have sex, let alone enjoy it, are slim. That’s why it can be good to plan a dirty night away where you can solely focus on each other.

Once you have talked through things and found some possible solutions, book a night away in a hotel and explore each other’s bodies for an evening. Try some new things from your ASN list and get back to enjoying sex and being together.

11. Talk To An Expert

If you have talked with your partner and tried a few things but the sex still hasn’t improved, it might be time to seek professional help. There are great people out there, from sex therapists to counselors, who can help you with your problems. Getting an expert opinion from someone on the outside looking in will give you both a fresh perspective. They may be able to see things you have missed.

There is no shame in going to see a professional. The stigma it once carried has almost faded into oblivion. It is much better to admit you are having problems and seek help than let things turn toxic and ruin your relationship